Head up

These days I hold my head a little higher around Ruteng. Maybe I receive a little less attention than I used to, or maybe I am just better at ignoring it. Or maybe by holding my head higher, by feeling more confident, I look less vulnerable, less like a wary tourist and this has reduced the attention I was so nervous of before (this was certainly the case in Bali, where I received far less hassle from the hawkers on my last visit than when I first arrived 7 months ago).

So I am coping better, but all the same there are still a lot of people who shout, point & stare as I pass. It makes me feel like a freak, and I know that what is so shocking / amazing / scary is my white skin. A debate I commonly have, both with Zoe & my Indonesian friends is whether this is racist. The attention is not malicious, but I am being judged by my skin colour & it makes me uncomfortable… I feel that this experience has, on some level, given me an insight into what life might be like for ethnic minorities back home in the UK.

So on this level I am quite looking forward to going to Australia; to no longer being in the minority. But maybe I will miss the attention a little too. I am certain that unless I become famous (& I can’t imagine under what circumstances that might occur) I will never experience reactions like this again. But that is fine by me, in this respect at least, I think I prefer the quiet life.

Sudah

It turns out that my previous post was a little premature (or maybe the opposite of premature…) basically my time here is up already (sudah in Bahasa Indonesia). The project I have been working on for the past six months submits its final report on the 1st of June, & after that I have no more work here in Indonesia. I will spend a little time disseminating, but basically I’m out-a-here.

So it turns out that half way was in fact in February, & instead of ruminating on how I will cope for the next six months I am instead planning an exit strategy & contemplating my return to the western world. I don’t need to return to my job in England until November the 1st, so I plan to stick around in the southern hemisphere a while longer (most likely Australia).

And how do I feel about this? Well, mixed emotions to be honest. I will be sad to leave Indonesia (didn’t think I’d be saying that), and very sad to be leaving Zoe. I will also miss that strange feeling of worthiness that I allow myself to indulge in when I tell the occasional travelers that pass through that I live in Indonesia as a volunteer doing this really hard job in a village where there are few other white people and few basic amenities. I will however be returning to a land with sit-down toilets, cheese, a constant supply of water & electricity, & pavements that permit the wearing of ridiculously high heels.

I have wondered a number of times since I’ve been here whether I should have simply traveled all along, and that for me accepting a job with an INGO was an easier route. I know that may sound strange, but regardless of what I have said or thought about VSO, they are a support network & you don’t get in-country-briefings or lessons in cultural adaptation when you travel alone. So independently traveling for the next couple of months is, for me, as large (if different) a challenge as coming to live in Flores was. Thailand was a bit of a dry run for it, so I’m optimistic & hope that I continue to learn new things and continue to appreciate what I have in the next stage of my adventure.

Half way May

The month of May marks the halfway point in my year long adventure in Indonesia, so it seems like a good point to reflect on how I now feel about living here.

Certainly the homesickness has passed. Although there are still many things I miss from England, the yearning hurts less & there are things here that I appreciate more. I still miss my duvet, my high hells & my friends, but I like living with less, relying on myself more & meeting new people with such different perspectives on life. I think the biggest challenge has been the boredom - these last few weeks have confirmed that I still have a lot of partying left in me & Ruteng is not a good place to do it (apologies to the mop & broom)!

Work-wise, my project has been interesting & I hope it will make an impact. I think the challenges of working with my Indonesian colleagues (primarily language & cultural) have enabled me to explain things more clearly & taught me to make fewer assumptions.

Culturally I have learned a lot too. I am not saying I know or understand all about the culture here (or ever will), but it's been a privilege to observe the differences (& the similarities) between the way I am used to living my life & the way my Indonesian friends do.

So at this halfway point I guess I feel content. It is hard & it is different from the life I am used to - but then that is what is was always supposed to be. Someone asked me the other day if I'd do it again, & I think I probably would. But I would definitely think about it very carefully. I'm more aware now of what my needs are. The first three months are so hard that the time after that really would have to be fulfilling enough to justify going through that again.

Past, present & future

While I was traveling in Thailand I often found myself living in the future, planning what to do & where to stay the next day. But now I'm back in Flores I find I am living in the past, day-dreaming about the crazy nights & the peaceful days I spent in Thailand & Bali. I guess it's a kinda post-holiday-blues, but it's strange to feel it whilst I am still in such a beautiful country.

I suffered this type of constant reminiscence during my first few months in Flores too, remembering good times & good friends from England... it took a long time to get over it & I hope it's not so bad this time.

So how does one live in the present? A guy I met in Thailand said that living in the present is one of the true forms of happiness (a Buddhist sentiment I think). But it's hard; the past & the future seem like much more appealing places to spend time, especially when the present is so challenging.